when violet asked me why i didn't fill up the timetable for the new academic year, the speech which i had rehearsed umpteen times got choked somewhere behind my throat and i heard myself stammering, "i think... i'm not.. teaching anymore." i suppose i had dropped a hidden bomb on them. violet and andrew were stunned beyond words and i could see their forced smiles, "err.. ok... i thought you missed out this piece of paper or something." violet shook the paper in front of me, pretending to be nonchalant. surprisingly, they didn't ask me why and that would be a great starting point for my secretly rehearsed speech. but they didn't.

i had prepared to scold them, to demean them, to act pitiful and blamed them, but all that angst didn't seem to come out. in fact, nothing at all. i don't even have the slightest feeling of sadness. i wonder why.

after my class, mr chia said he wanted to talk to me. he did it so formally and it suffocated me. the motive was clear but i played along. i faked and said it's for my studies and i'm too tired to continue. other reasons? he kept probing, and since he couldn't gather enough courage to prop the question, i guide him into it.

ya, the pay too. he tried to explain, he tried to defend, he tried to make me stay by hanging a tastier carrot, but my mind was already set. anyway i understand that they're trying very hard to jerk up our wages and it's not their fault that i'm having a lower pay as compared to their rest, afterall the wage was continued from before.

i told him the timetable too. he apologised but told me it's already fixed. deep in my heart i was thinking, what's the point then?

life is like an equilibrium and everyone has their fair share of 24 hours per day. if i were to weigh the costs and benefits, the first i'd have to give up is this. a year's plus of hardwork, a year's plus of searching.. i've wandered into the paths of teaching and i notice the colourful fruits blossoming, but it's time i go back to the main path again, to search the real me.

he asked me, "do you still want to continue with like a class or two, or completely let go."
i said, "i'd choose to completely let go."